Triggers.

When we got home after the devastating few days that we had in the hospital, even though it was difficult to do anything but lay in bed or on the couch, we knew that we couldn’t restrict ourselves to our house. While still being sensitive to our needs during that time, we did force ourselves to get out. What we didn’t first realize in doing so was that we were about to discover a world full of triggers reminding us of the life we had been planning for over the past 8+ months; the life we would so deeply be missing. Who could have warned us that by merely driving past the Babies R Us, where we had just bought a bassinet a couple of weeks back, my heart would feel like it was shattering all over again? Who knew that attempting to go for breakfast at Sunset Grill would conjure a memory of being there when we brainstormed our nursery theme of ‘clouds and koalas’?

Over the next several days I started to realize that we didn’t even need to leave the house to encounter triggers as they were hiding around all sorts of corners at home. Even though we had sent our friends to clear out all of the baby paraphernalia while we were still in the hospital, there were still triggers lurking around our house that weren’t just hidden behind the nursery door. Turning the TV on was a certain gamble as we would consistently see diaper and pregnancy test commercials. We couldn’t believe how many times we needed to change the channel or turn off a movie because there were stories related to pregnancy, scenes with women giving birth, or plot themes related to fertility issues.

While trying to distract myself and keep busy with chores and projects around the house, the reminders continued. My goal of clearing out some storage clutter in the basement was promptly halted when I ran into the pile of baby shower gift bags stacked in the corner. While folding laundry one day I had a full on breakdown when I found a single baby sock with the word “cutie” printed on it sitting at the bottom of the basket.

The triggers were everywhere. They are still everywhere. But today, and with each passing day, they become a little bit easier to bear. Some days they make me cry, but one day they might make me smile as well. Yes, these are triggers that can set my emotions into overdrive, but they are also reminders of the deep love that I have and will always have for our baby boy. And that is why I will now always embrace those “triggers”, because I will never want those reminders to go away.