Guilt During Mat Leave.

As I start the beginning of a new maternity leave, I think back to last year during the time I was granted off after losing our baby. I remember the guilt that I felt during that time, when I felt obligated to keep myself busy rather than just using that time to heal.  In the province of Ontario, employed women who have a miscarriage or stillbirth (that is not 17 weeks or more before the due date) are still eligible for pregnancy leave; at least 17 weeks long (i.e. 17 weeks after the leave began, or 12 weeks after the date of the stillbirth/miscarriage). While I was extremely thankful for the time off before going back to work, I really struggled to use the time to focus on myself and healing. Each day started with internal panic to come up with a to-do list of things that I should accomplish around the house. I would constantly ask my husband what I should work on, even though he continuously tried to remind me that I didn’t need to do anything but take the time for myself. I would convince myself that since I did not have a newborn to look after, I needed to use this time to do other productive work like chores and other projects. What I wish I could have believed and understood then was that I did not need to do anything other than what I needed for ME – whether that was hiding under my covers until noon, going for walks with my dog, or doing absolutely nothing.  The time that I was given was for healing; physically and emotionally. The time that I was given was for me – period. And now that I look back on my previous experience, I hope that I can take this forward as I start what will hopefully be an entirely different experience with maternity leave, and use it to remind myself that this time is for baby and me. I should not feel bad about not having the time or energy to start new projects, deep clean the house every week, cook elaborate dinners nightly, or do anything but provide the best care for my newborn.